being that guy since 1982

A few weekends ago, USS Linda and I headed to Tennessee for some drunken fun. It was a road trip… an 8 hour long road trip. Linda being the mom that she is, packed things like snacks, waters and other goodies. That alone made it like a REAL ROADTRIP… oh and her playing her fucking iPhone games the entire way while I drove and listened to country music, watching her bob and dance to her favorite songs as I clenched my fists in ferocious anger.. and love.

We drove and drove and drove until we were an hour out, in Arkansas. Does anyone else say AR-KANSAS, when they say Arkansas? Cause I sure the fuck do, and think you should all try the same thing. Linda, being the whore alcoholic she is thought we should get some booze and drink some for our arrival in Memphis. Me, being the alcoholic dickhead that I am, agreed.

We stop at some place called like Buster’s Alcohol and Tackle or something and get out. We walk into the place and I immediately bolt out realizing I left my car keys in the car. When I run back inside, I realize we are being looked at. We are ‘that mixed couple’ that everyone talks about in the big city. Linda is chinesque and I don’t think they have seen one of them since the war. I was wearing my soggy driving clothes; geek squad t-shirt, jeans, doc martins. Linda gets up to pay for the alcohol that we are purchasing and one of the patrons looks at me and says, “Isn’t that shirt from that San Francisco region?”. I start to correct the gentleman, letting him know where geek squad started, the story behind it, etc, and Linda stops me and nods at me to let me know to shut the fuck up. Wondering why she did it, I quickly shrugged it off as the booze was handed to Linders. We made our exit and got into the car and Linda turns to me and says, “Do you realize that that guy was calling you gay?” I took a brief moment to think, and realized she is right. Fuck you Arkansas.

We get some MACDonalds cups and get back on the road sipping our sizzurp. We arrive in Memphis! I’m kinda tipsy because I’m a lightweight bitch and start to check in. We start causing a scene right away in the hotel lobby. Linda and I are doing our normal banter back and forth. The lady checking us in laughs and asks us how long we’ve been together. We tell her that we are brother and sister. I knock Linda’s drink all over her accidently and we retreat to our room. We take care of room business and head to the hotel bar for some drinks. We find a nice couple who tells us what to do while we are in Memphis. We continue to pound drinks and get ready to hit up some Memphis BBQ and Beale Street.

We arrived at Rendezvous which was about a block away from Beale street. The food was pretty delicious. Admittedly, I was pretty hammered at this point. I did continue to scarf the food we had. We started with a sausage and cheese with crackers spicy platter. Then we went on to the dry ribs. I’ve never really eaten dry ribs before, but these were delicious. So delicious I put hot sauce on them to make them more delicious. I like my stuff with sauce, what can I say!

We left there and headed to Hammeredtown, TN. Beale street is the actual name. We started at some place that had a lot of plates on the wall. I quickly stopped looking at them when I saw the beers coming to my face that I drank. It was pretty fucking cold, so we decided to sit on an outside patio. The patio area was actually pretty nice. It had couches to sit on and it even had it’s own set of country hicks for us to talk to. The group talked to us for a little bit and we left quickly after they started talking.

We then headed to another bar that I remember nothing of other than our bartender’s name, JJ. I might have even screwed that up.. Why is that? Well besides my inability to remember any person’s name, I also have an asian girlfriend that will NEVER finish her own shots and hands them to me to finish them. So what happens is I turn into a sloppy pile of wastoid. We get to the bar, the bartender does a bunch of flair bartending while I slobber on myself and try to hold myself up on Linda’s shoulder. I then hit the dance floor and embarass myself, have someone tell me I look like Danny from American Idol (no idea who that is) and then come back just in time to see Linda getting penetrated by every man that walked into the bar in the past 3 minutes. Linda wipes her mouth and introduces me to the guy that just came up and started talking to her, I find this a good time to stumble out of the bar and update my facebook status.

Well the next few hours kinda gets hazy. I stumble back into the bar, Linda hands me death, I drink death, stumble around some more, make it downstairs with her, walk across the street to another bar, plop down at a table, sit there and hold my head for a long time, stand over a jukebox like a zombie, get lost in a bathroom, stumble onto the street, almost get hustled by some guy, hail a taxi and pass out in Linda’s lap. Linda then finds it important to get ciggs at the most dangerous gas station ever, get back into the cab, somehow manage to move my ass into the hotel room, and lay me in bed.

I think I might have snored in her face that night. You’re welcome.

Day 2 coming soon.

Well, here’s a story for the kids….

While I was in St. James a few weekends ago, it was smack dab in the middle of Easter. Susan, Linda’s sister, did not want to have Easter baskets for the kids because it sucked and lots of other reasons. Linda told me this and of course since I’m super Catholic and love the Easter story so much, I could not allow this, right? Actually, I just thought it would be cool to still give all their kids candy somehow, so I came up with AN IDEA.

My idea’s of course are always pretty baller, so my idea was to have Easter Piñatas instead. This would allow the kids to beat the ever living shit out of something and get some candy in the process. Get the energy out and still give them candy, I thought to myself.

The idea went over well with the Sue-Factor and we decided to move forward. We found a Parrot and a Palm Tree at the Wal-Mart in Rolla. Pretty Easter themed. We purchased the candy and Piñatas and  put them aside for THE DAY.

Easter came, a delicious meal was prepared and eaten, and it was about time to hang the Piñatas for a little Easter fun. Well, first we had to get totally shitboned at the local VFW. Linda, her dad and I went to the VFW and drank. I had to drink the most disgusting piece of shit ever, a Gentleman Jack shot. When I was handed this shot I looked at them both and let them know that if I took this shot, there was no shit about it, I was going to barf. This isn’t a “ha ha oh Jon you are funny”, this is a “I fucking hate whiskey and will vomit… probably on you..” warning.

I slammed the shot and must have called upon my inner Easter fest I just ate, made 13 different gag reflex faces and stomached the shot. Well after that I was fucking rip roaring ready to hang some piñatas.

We get back to the house and try to decide where to hang it. I make the suggestion for the basement since it’s out of the way of things that would get destroyed in the house. Linders and I head downstairs with some twine to hang it up. We scout for a location to hang the island piñatas and find a perfect spot in front of the washer and dryer.

I stand on the chair and start to hang the piñata. Linda finds this a good time to unzip my pants and fellate me. I look down, realize what’s happening and think.. “Hmm.. should I keep hanging this piñata?”. Well I started too.. But, how much focus can I give a palm tree filled with candy at this time? I mean if I was my normal fat ass self I would have just started biting the plam tree at this point, but I lost a few lbs and a hot asian was taking care of business now, so things were different.

Some time passed, I was barely holding onto the piñata and it was loosely tied. Everything that was about to happen, happened fairly quickly.

*SNAP*
”OW”
”OW”
Linda was bent over holding her head and I had an unbelievable pain coming from my crotchal region.

The piñata had dropped, not only nailing Linda’s head, but my head too.. The other head.

Talk about your mood ruiners… we headed back upstairs, defeated.