Readers rejoice… To follow the pictures, you will have a story as well. Waiting in a queue allows me to do things like this.
Twas the night before Vegas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring except for my drunk ass with the both the TV and computer music blaring. Having had packed earlier, Twill was easily convinced to join me for a beer session at the local Sharkeez. Linda was working of course, so that was my motivation to go… That and I’m a raging alcoholic and Sharkeez is close.
We arrive and notice that Nizuts and B-Rad are already there so we join them. They immediately talk about sports while Twill joins in, and all the while I continue to drink harder. Drinks continued and the proposed 1 pitcher turned into several and the proposed no shots turned into several as well. Linda decides to make this a great time to tell Twill shit that I never wanted her to, and in turn I slap her in the vagina. Andy Davis shows up from taking the longest trip ever to and from regret and joins us for some drinks. Being all hammered, I tell Linda to come over, knowing very well that in about 13-14 minutes there’s no way I’m going to be awake. We go home, picking up some booze on the way home for our arrival in Vegas the next afternoon. I get home, take a shower, throw the remainder of shit I need to pack in my suitcase and I crank up my music and lay down. Realizing that I’m getting more and more tired, I then turn on the TV to a louder level so I can stay awake. Then, 14 seconds later, I was passed the fuck out. Turns out it was okay because she had to go home anyway.
Morning comes, and I am tired as balls. I grab all the last minute goods and we head to the car. We grab some Burger King and I get money from the ATM and we are off to the airport. We arrive at the airport, meet Andrew Davis, and goto the boarding area. Much like everything in life, it takes Andy an extraordinary amount of time to actually make it through the screening process. This process will continue. Being dehydrated as shit, I grab a water and sit and relax as I await for our boarding, which will be very last. We board the incredibly full flight and need to split up into different sections. Twill being a retard sits in between two incredibly old men. Andy sits next to two decently looking younger ladies and I sit in between 1 older lady and 1 about my age girl.
On the flight I pull out my book that Linders gave me, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max. I read the shit out of it laughing to myself during the humorous parts. The younger girl next to me notices that I am reading the book and sparks up a conversation, saying “Is that the Tucker Max book?” I say “Yes, it is, my girlfriend bought it for me, I think she thinks I might be an awful person.. ” She laughs and I turn away as to not talk anymore because I was pretty into the chapter I was in. 3/4ths into the flight I have my book down and am sitting rather restlessly in my seat. The girl wakes up and I start up conversation asking where she is from, which to my non-surprise have already forgotten. She tells me and starts asking me questions about what I do, etc. Then she turns to me and says, “You know, I’m going to a conference in Vegas.. My husband is already there and we are going to meet up with some of his family… I haven’t told anybody this yet, but I’m pregnant… I can tell you because.. well I don’t know you.” (some might call this foreshadowing). In turn I tell her, “Well have fun in Vegas, I guess that means you can’t get wasted, right?” Some might call me a sage because I have a lot of wise, heartfelt advice.
We arrive in Vegas! The dudes and I reunite and share our airplane stories and head to baggage. Andy, being suave and a lady killer, goes up to his girls he met on the plane and gave him his cell phone number.. No surprises.. .They never called. We grab a Taxi and off we are to our hotel, New York New York. We are riding with the taxi driver and all of a sudden it hits me. WE ARE IN VEGAS! I turn to the taxi driver and say, “You know, you are going to have to forgive me, but I just realized we are in Vegas, and it makes me pretty happy.” He laughs and then we start talking about the weather, what we are doing this weekend, etc, and I continue to get psyched.
We arrive at the airport and the drinking starts almost immediately in our hotel room. Twill notices his compressed cans of red bull magically exploded on the airplane and soaked a few of his shirts. This does not stop the drinking. Being a lightweight bitch, I am fairly intoxicated after 3 fairly strong made drinks. You know, at this point since we are to meet my brother and my mom up later for dinner, you would think maybe it would be about time to slow down, maybe rest from our trip, etc. But no… That wasn’t what was going to happen. What WAS going to happen was walking on the strip, drinking tall ass Paris margaritas, getting hustled for $10 dollars on the strip, sitting in a bar and yelling loudly while being slumped over, leaving the bar while my friends held me and I walked clumsily and drunkenly back to our hotel room, hitting on every girl I saw and starting fights with every guy that I saw, and trying to get run over by traffic… That’s what was going to happen… And it did.
Nap time was upon me then. 4 hours later, Twill and Andy came back from gambling, fucking each other, or whatever they were doing, to tell me it was time for dinner with my family. Waking up is not something I remember. I was still very hammered and looking at the pictures, I have now confirmed it. From what I understand, I wrestled Twill and Andy, got thrown on the ground, screamed shit on the phone to Linda, and in turn got hung up on the phone by Linda. Sounds like the perfect way to start off a family dinner? You bet your ass.
Arriving at the MGM, I still had only a small idea of what was going on. Twill and Andy have by now walked off ahead of me and I am left to be confused and alone. I decide to start looking for myself. Good thing my drunk ass was discovered quickly by none other than Birthday Ole himself. The family gathers and then decides to go to the MOST EXPENSIVE FUCKING BUFFET IN THE UNIVERSE. But hey, I’m drunk and in Vegas, so who gives a shit, right? I throw my 20 or 30 dollars down and head in, grabbing mounds and mounds of unhealthy shit as I make my way around the buffet lines. I am pulling crab legs apart at the table with my bare hands, and in turn the crab legs are pulling my bare hands apart. I am now yelling stuff out at the table, demanding the waitresses bring me more water, making my mom question why she kept me, etc. So after our nice and pleasant dinner, I thought it was about time for some more drinking.
We make it 15 feet out of the buffet and Nick and Shannon find a machine they want to play on. “Want some drinks?”, I ask. “Yes”, they respond. I goto the bar and order 4 drinks. I am then looking at myself in the bar mirrors and see that I’m moving back and forth a lot. I then ask for a waiter for some water, thinking it will be a cure. I chug the ever living shit out of the water and then ask for another. The bartender is giving me suspicious looks at this time. I chug that and then retain the other 4 drinks. He tells me it’s 45 dollars. Even at this point I think it’s expensive as SHIT, but I pay him. I then ask for another glass of water which I down with the quickness. Ole, Shannon and Twill now come over to the bar to get their drinks. I hand them out and then Shannon looks at me with some concern. “Jon, you don’t look very good.” “Ya, I don’t feel very good.” Apparently my face turned a few uncommon shades of white and off to the bathroom I went.
I was in horrific pain as I sat in the bathroom. I did not throw up, I did not shit… I just sat in the bathroom while my stomach asked me rudely to be expelled. Time passed… a lot of time… and I came to. I left the bathroom and rejoined the others. I looked at them and said it was go time and Twill joined me. We were so worn out from the day time festivities that nothing else was going to happen that night. I passed the fuck out, forgetting to call Linders, who was still probably angry at me from earlier. Remembering this at 2am was probably not the smartest thing as I did not account for the time difference when I called her. I have since listened to my 4am phone message that I left on Linda’s voicemail. All you need to know friends is that I am the most thoughtful, coolest, person you have ever met.. if you have been living on Pluto and have yet to make human contact.
The next day we woke up slowly and joined everyone for some McDonalds breakfast. Shortly after that, we started drinking again. Tequila Sunrises were my drink of choice as we made our way from hotel to hotel. It was an all day drunk that was enjoyable as it was spent amongst friends and family. We went back to one of my favorite casinos/bars, Bill’s. It’s basically WT and a half, but who can beat 2 dollar CANS OF BEERS?!?!??!? We continued to drink heavily, I smoked in front of my mom, Andy awkwardly hit on girls, Twill spit on Shannon and then we all hit on Shannon. We then ate at an amazing Mexican restaurant, Diablos. After eating that and feeling awful, Twill and I went back to the room, rested and drank more. The rest of them went to Cirque de Solei (it’s spelled wrong without a doubt). Twill and I went CLUBBING. Clubbing shirts on, we headed over the the Luxor. Still feeling mighty driz, we went up and talked to some ladies. There was a large group of them and I don’t remember anything about them. We then found another group of girls who were mostly less attractive, smaller in group size and more our speed. Twill and I decided to show one of them how to play blackjack. That lasted for a little bit, then we joined the group again. Then the chick asked me to go show her more blackjack. I showed her more, and then while I was showing her more blackjack, I also introduced a beer all over her dress. I laughed and walked back to the group saying, “Well that went well, I can expect not to hear form her anymore tonight”. But to my surprise, she joined us all again and then asked me to join her in the club they were going to. Twill was standing there drinking shots that the girls brought us. Twill then spit his drink back into the glass as he was going to vomit. He then kept spitting in the glass, which needless to say made every girl around him incredibly horny and into him.
Twill looked up the specs on this and we should have paid atleast 20-40 dollars to get into this place, but somehow we didn’t pay a dime. Andy joined us at this time, but only for a short time as they looked him over once and said “Ya, you don’t meet dress code”. Andy walked off in shame and we walked into the club, leaving our poor dude behind. The club was loud and hard to maneuver in. The girls that got us in stood with us for a little bit. The chick I spilled my drink on gave me some champagne, I drank it, and then walked away from her. I then made my way to the bathroom. This was the most exciting part of the night for me. On the ledge, there was ciggs for the taking and low and behold, A GIANT FUCKING BOTTLE OF CURVE CALOGNE. I imagine heaven having this massive bottle sitting and waiting for me as well. I tipped the bathroom attendant and walked back out. I amazingly found Twill grinding hilariously on some chick to Apple Bottom Jeans, or something similar. You will see a picture and you will know exactly what picture I am talking about when I say hilariously grinding. I hung out for a while and then hit a brick wall.. It was go time. I made my way out of the club without even trying to contact Twill. I made it back to New York New York and found a hot dog stand. I grabbed a hot dog and loaded the shit out of it with ketchup. Making my way through the casino, I was deep-throating this hot dog, getting ketchup and everything else disgusting all over my face. I wish I could see the video playback of me stumbling back to my room with ketchup smeared all over my face and hands while I continued to shove this bread covered meat log into my mouth. I throw the trash away in our bathroom container and pass the fuck out… again.
What I missed is that Twill later realized that I was not there, started to call me, couldn’t find out how he got there or where he was, dropped his phone on the floor, making it explode everywhere while he tried to pick it all up, and then finally made his way back to the room, also passing out immediately. Wished I could have witnessed all of that.
Saturday was a little more low key. We of course started drinking all day again. But spent more time gambling, eating, etc. Linda was on her way to a concert that night in KC and broke up with me over voicemail because she couldn’t find a good wardrobe to wear…. or something similar, I’m sure. In the Vegas part of the world, family were partying it up in Shannon and Nick’s hotel room. There were many eats and many beers and they were destroyed. I was again wasted. Twill broke a cheese block over my face and sack punched me. Andy was nipping hardcore for all the ladies to see. And Shannon was crying because she loved Nick something fierce. By the end of the night I was hamboned and hit another brick wall. There were a lot of brick walls in Vegas and they all had my name on it. I headed back to the room while Twill hit on multiple ladies and Andy lost 450 dollars… alone…
Sunday was go time. I got back together with Linda with a text message asking “Hey would you like to get back together with me? A.) Yes B.) I’m a fucking bitch and my asian life would be ruined if I wasn’t with an amazing piece of man meat like you”
We were hungover and depleted of any sort of vitamin that would sustain human existence. We made it on the airplane and more ladies asked about my Tucker Max book. Andy and I read passages to each other. Twill slept. We made it back, grabbed our bags and drove home.
There was probably more involved and probably a lot more stories involved, but hey.. That’s what I got right now, friends. You should be so happy that this blog finally got written.
