Well, here’s a story for the kids….

While I was in St. James a few weekends ago, it was smack dab in the middle of Easter. Susan, Linda’s sister, did not want to have Easter baskets for the kids because it sucked and lots of other reasons. Linda told me this and of course since I’m super Catholic and love the Easter story so much, I could not allow this, right? Actually, I just thought it would be cool to still give all their kids candy somehow, so I came up with AN IDEA.

My idea’s of course are always pretty baller, so my idea was to have Easter Piñatas instead. This would allow the kids to beat the ever living shit out of something and get some candy in the process. Get the energy out and still give them candy, I thought to myself.

The idea went over well with the Sue-Factor and we decided to move forward. We found a Parrot and a Palm Tree at the Wal-Mart in Rolla. Pretty Easter themed. We purchased the candy and Piñatas and  put them aside for THE DAY.

Easter came, a delicious meal was prepared and eaten, and it was about time to hang the Piñatas for a little Easter fun. Well, first we had to get totally shitboned at the local VFW. Linda, her dad and I went to the VFW and drank. I had to drink the most disgusting piece of shit ever, a Gentleman Jack shot. When I was handed this shot I looked at them both and let them know that if I took this shot, there was no shit about it, I was going to barf. This isn’t a “ha ha oh Jon you are funny”, this is a “I fucking hate whiskey and will vomit… probably on you..” warning.

I slammed the shot and must have called upon my inner Easter fest I just ate, made 13 different gag reflex faces and stomached the shot. Well after that I was fucking rip roaring ready to hang some piñatas.

We get back to the house and try to decide where to hang it. I make the suggestion for the basement since it’s out of the way of things that would get destroyed in the house. Linders and I head downstairs with some twine to hang it up. We scout for a location to hang the island piñatas and find a perfect spot in front of the washer and dryer.

I stand on the chair and start to hang the piñata. Linda finds this a good time to unzip my pants and fellate me. I look down, realize what’s happening and think.. “Hmm.. should I keep hanging this piñata?”. Well I started too.. But, how much focus can I give a palm tree filled with candy at this time? I mean if I was my normal fat ass self I would have just started biting the plam tree at this point, but I lost a few lbs and a hot asian was taking care of business now, so things were different.

Some time passed, I was barely holding onto the piñata and it was loosely tied. Everything that was about to happen, happened fairly quickly.

*SNAP*
”OW”
”OW”
Linda was bent over holding her head and I had an unbelievable pain coming from my crotchal region.

The piñata had dropped, not only nailing Linda’s head, but my head too.. The other head.

Talk about your mood ruiners… we headed back upstairs, defeated.